In late 2019 everything changed for me.
My life was rolling along nicely…I had a job I enjoyed, I was in a happy relationship, my family were all good, I’d never been healthier.
And looking back I wanted everything to stay like that.
I didn’t want change…because change would upset everything. And change is hard, right?
Change changes everything. It’s uncomfortable because it’s the unknown. As humans we crave certainty, so we feel prepared for whatever might show up. We want control.
That year and the next few years I lost that control.
I felt like the rug had been pulled from beneath me on many fronts. Everything seemed to collide, yet I couldn’t distinguish one change from another and they all seemed to merge into one big messy ball of fear.
You might be thinking I’m talking about menopause?
Well, yeah, in part. But the change started before that.
My partner was approached by someone who wanted to buy his business…the company I’d worked in for almost 20 years.
I felt my world was changing and I was being forced down an unfamiliar road…a road I didn’t really want to be on…although I understood the reasons for it.
It’s strange sitting in that space of change…fear takes a hold if you’re not careful. And fear can paralyse.
I had to either get another job or take the leap and set up my own business…the thought of the first option made me feel sick…I couldn’t imagine working for anyone else.
So I started Revive.
In February 2020!
Ugh…right at the start of the pandemic…great timing 😂
Was being my own boss the thing I was always meant to do, I wondered? Nope. It was hard. Not just because it was new to me, not just because of the pandemic, but because of Menopause.
Yes, it started to make its presence known courtesy of brain fog (or fatigue as I called it). It stopped me progressing my business because I was terrified most of the time, worrying about everyone and everything, gripped by my perceived inability to tackle anything more complicated than basic bookkeeping…not good for an accountant, let me tell you.
Add into this mix a rather unpleasant encounter with a prospect that was downright rude, and my paranoia went into overdrive. I can’t even bring myself to talk about the thoughts that were swirling around in my head at this time.
Did I tell anyone how I was feeling? No. That would have felt like failure. I thought it was weak to ask for help.
You see, what I haven’t told you is that I served in the military for 9 years across the regular army and a specialised TA unit. I then worked in the electrical and recycling industries which were predominantly male.
All my life I’ve worked with men, and told myself (and anyone else who asked) that I preferred to work with them. I can even see now that I was telling myself that I didn’t like women, that I always felt I didn’t fit in amongst them.
So for years I aligned myself to the male energy of control, strategy, achievement, whilst also staying quiet and not wanting to stand out. Just fit in…that’s what was running my subconscious mind.
Change for me was a deep dive into no control whatsoever…I felt like I’d been thrown overboard into the sea without a life jacket. Sink or swim.
Work change…global change…health change. All three waves seemed to come at once and overwhelm me.
And what change did was take me in its grip and shake me to the core…almost trying to shake the masculine energy that had been driving me out of me.
When you’re in the mess of menopause and all the change that it invokes, it feels like you’re being thrown around in an angry sea. You’re desperate to find the thing that will rescue you, the thing that will make all the difference, the thing that will give you your old life back.
Let me tell you as someone who is coming out the other side…
❌ YOU DON’T WANT YOUR OLD LIFE BACK ❌
My old life left me burnt out, pottering along, without purpose, nothing lighting me up.
So I had to find a new way…of being, not doing…I could no longer be the achiever, the controller, the strategist in my life and my business, because menopause stripped that out of me.
I really didn’t know this but what I craved was…
… a softer way
…a more feminine way
Not through choice, but through necessity.
My body desperately craved rest, yet I’d denied it that for years, thinking rest is for the lazy.
It really has been a journey and a half, and one that I will be on for the rest of this life of mine.
I’ve slowed down…and it’s not been easy, it’s not been pretty, there’s been buckets of tears…releasing all the emotions that I previously didn’t want to feel.
But this is why menopause is beautiful. It shows you what you need to change in your life.
And it’s not that everything is rosy on the other side…it’s not.
There’s still change to navigate.
But here’s the thing. You can look change straight in the eye and ask it what it’s showing you, what you can learn from it. If you choose to.
The feminine way of living and working is a more beautiful existence.
It’s nature…intuition…creativity…boundaries…permission…rest…peace…and everything else you’ve longed for.
With love 💫
Caroline x
PS – Not every woman experiences menopause as I have…some have it far worse, other’s sail through it. Whatever your experience, I see you, I hear you, there’s space for you in my world 💜
#menopause #change #fear #waves #masculine #feminine
Revive Intuitive 
Leave a comment